I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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