I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
