She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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