my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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