before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
