i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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