I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
