apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
time to smoke my breakfast
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Randomize
