My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
