I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
