My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
