allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
