it was like his penis was on wheels.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
