I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
