my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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