remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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