We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
