Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
