needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
