Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
wow bdsm is so cute
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
