I didn't shave. On purpose
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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