When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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