I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Drunk is a universal language darling
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize