headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It's shark week go big or go home
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
