when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
