I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
