I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You need a sexual gate keeper
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
