I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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