I can text with my tongue
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
