3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
