I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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