Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
