He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
