I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We talked him into tasing himself.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize