I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
