She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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