Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
