As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
