I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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