A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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