I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
