I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
