im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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