There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
