Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
