My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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