I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
