my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
