So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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