I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
