I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
