This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
