dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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