if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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