1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize