you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
