i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Randomize
