if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
