Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize