there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
