we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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