Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
