i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
