they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
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