I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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