Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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