do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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